Taking sides

Dear MyPerspective,

So I have 3 other roommates besides myself. At first me and this one girl (I will call her Jane Doe) got along. We would hang out in her room, (our suite is set up with 4 rooms and a bathroom). We somewhat talked to another roommate (whom I'll call Mystery Girl) and then there was the snotty stuck up 4th roommate (whom I'll call Wicked). At first the 3 of us were united against Wicked and we would talk about her. But something happened. Somehow Wicked became part of the group and I was shoved out. Now I am harassed by all 3 of them, and accused of so many things. I refuse to move out of my dorm room on grounds that I will not let them think they can win and hurt me. But why did they do this? Any advice in general?

Signed,
Isolated


Dear Isolated,

It sounds like you are experiencing karma. You were on the winning side, it felt nice to have a common bond with 2 of your roommates. But it came back to bite you. Now you are on the losing side. This is why you don't take sides. You should not express a negative opinion about another person because you never know how tight they may be behind your back. If you can't say it to their face, then just don't say it at all. Its okay to try to stick it out and stand strong and not let them control you, but be careful, you never know what sleazy people may be capable of.

The Perspective of Beauty

Dear My Perspective,

I am overweight. So I dress to show it. I often wear hoodies, t-shirts, and jeans. I wish to dress up and look pretty and nice, but well, I am overweight and I don't know if that would make me look silly or is even possible to do for that matter! Any advice?

Signed,
Big

Dear Big,

You can dress up. Its all in the perspective of how you see it. There are dressy stores for overweight people such as Lane Bryant and Torrid. Even though the pieces of clothing are not as pretty or cool as those who are skinny, you can still dress up. Use creativity. Just because you are overweight doesn't mean you have to dress the part.

It doesn't matter if others think you will look silly, in this world you are going to find that some people like something and others do not, and that you can't possibly live by what others may not like because its impossible to always live that way.

Dress change!

Dear My Perspective,

Its weird, some of the people I go to college with I also went to high school with. And then there are people I have on my facebook that I went to high school with. But what I am saying is that, I noticed there are some dress changes. I don't know why but many of the preppy girls of my high school who donned Hollister, American Eagle, and Abercrombie now wear clothing from H&M, Forever 21, and Macy's. We are all like 19 and 20. I myself have not really changed much in dress style and still wear many clothing from high school. Is it natural for people to change their clothing from H.S. to college?

Signed,
Dressed-less

Dear Dressed-less,

For some it is a natural change. This can come based on the influences in your life. In college, one will often discover themselves and the kind of people they want to be around, unlike in high school when who you would be with mattered more for your reputation rather than what you really wanted. People often shop with their friends and may find themselves trying new things because of this. Other times it can be because of new creative inspiration that comes from the new kinds of people in their life.

For others though, they feel they must change their dress style, hair styles and even personality because high school was the end of one chapter and college is the start of a new chapter in their life, and what better way to show it than to change your look to match that new change in your life?

Sometimes not changing your look while others change makes you feel as though you are in a static position, meaning you are not moving anywhere-forward or backwards. One should only change their look because they want a new look for themselves. If you like the way you are dressed, you should keep with it.

Throw it away!!!!

Dear My Perspective,

How do I begin a life with unnecessary trash out of my life?

Signed,
Trash-out

Dear Trash-out,

Do you mean like bad things or bad people in your life? Its great that you want to rid the problems in your life. The problem is knowing or wanting to do it, its keeping up with it. Its like going to a blog or watching the news you want nothing to do with. No matter how tempted you get you must stay consistent or it won't work. You are always going to be tempted but all you can keep doing is just say no. Do not justify any reason to give in, the minute you do, you will keep doing it all the time.

Poetry

Dear My Perspective,

What makes poetry great?

Signed,
Poetress

Dear Poetress,

Different reasons for people but essentially what makes poetry great is how one can reveal their feelings, and even state of mind at the moment in a poem. Some people are bad at revealing their emotions by word, but in written form it can come out smoothly like butter. Another reason is that sometimes a poem can be vague enough that one can relate to it even if the situations are different. Poetry comes in so many forms, in so many genres, its hard not to like it!

"Debating"

Dear My Perspective,

Stupid people hang out at sites like this and youtube, and news sites and forums etc. If you don't agree with the majority, you always get attacked and falsely accused. Sometimes the person "in charge" allows them to harass you and troll you but won't let you fight back. Ugh, I hate morons. help!!!

Signed,

Fighter for Truth


Dear Fighter for Truth,

I understand the dilemma. The internet is full of the world's biggest rejects. These are people that have nothing better to do than to attack you. I was just recently myself attacked at a blog, for saying the truth. They were racists who pretend to be anti-racist. You know, covert liberals.

I decided they were not worth debating with. I had said my piece, the are too racist to debate with.

It is important to realize these following things:

1. Its the internet, the only important things said are the things that come from the mouths of family, friends and important people in your life. What a stranger online says is not of any importance.
2. Never debate in an uncontrolled setting. Cause you run into risks of being outnumbered, insulted, or worse blocked from fighting back (which usually means you are right and are a threat to that group otherwise why censor?). Leave debating for real life in a moderated setting where someone will keep people on subject and prevent insults and false accusations.
3. You know what you said is right. Do not apologize for it, and do not feel you should have to explain yourself to a bunch of strangers. Especially racist ones. In the end, these are lowlife creeps with no life.

Why is saying no so hard to do?

Dear My Perspective,

I can never say no. I want to but I can't. It sucks because people know they can walk all over me because I won't say anything back. Others have no problem saying no to me. So whats going on here???

Signed,
Yes Woman

Dear Yes Woman,

There are two reasons that often keep some people from being able to say no.

1. They depend on others alot.
2. They have few to none friends and fear losing any bit of socialness they may have.

The first one is most common. When you depend on others for things such as rides, money, food, help on stuff, etc alot, these people will often try to exert control over you. If you are someone who needs that help from them or the other option which would grant you a little more independence is too painful, expensive, trying, or tough, then you will often find yourself being threatened to do as they say because they have control over you.

The key to dependence is NOT to depend too much on one person or persons. Sometimes the dreadful despised route can help you, because it shows that you are not scared to go that route if you have to. When you primarily depend on someone or someones, then they will start to take control over you.

The second reason, which is common but not nearly as much as the "dependency" one, is the social problem. Some people, especially those with poor social skills, will often say yes when they mean no because they want and vie for acceptance. They feel that by saying no they will hate them. And in some cases this is true, especially once that person knows your a pushover. These people care more about being accepted in general than they care about who they want in their lives.

Why? Because being alone can be unbearable sometimes. And for some its so bad that being accepted by anyone for any reason is better, this puts them into a state that makes it hard to say "no", because they feel if they always say yes and do what they want, they will get an in. The only problem is this idea does not work.

Essentially the only way to combat this problem is to accept who you are and become grounded in that. If a person threaten's their friendship with you, cut the ties loose, they are not worth having around. Also if you find yourself depending on others, it may be a good idea to sometimes depend on yourself, the more you depend on others the more power they will have over you. You don't want to get hooked on what was supposed to be a one time generous offer.

How do I do my own thing?

Dear My Perspective,

I am friendless and lonely...I often do what others want of me, even if its not something I want to do, for acceptance, but of course, I am only good to them when they can get something out of me or use me. It hurts both ways, to be rejected and used like that, and to be alone all the time. Some say you should be yourself, I want to be. But who I am may be displeasing to others. Any advice?

Sincerely,
Bullied Mercilessly


Dear Bullied Mercilessly,

Its a doubled sided issue when it comes to acceptance. If you are not grounded in who you are, people will easily pick up on that, and will take advantage of you. They pretty much threaten your possibility of being accepted if you don't follow your orders. But the reality is they will never accept you, they don't want pushover friends, they just want the perks they get from taking advantage of someone who won't stand up to them or walk away.

But the other problem is that sometimes being yourself may push others away. When people say "be yourself" they never think about the negative things that come with that too. If you feel you have certain problems with yourself, then that change has to be in your heart.

Ultimately its best to be you. You may not make friends, and you may. If you become grounded in who you are then people may leave you alone more. In the end, the possibility that you may be alone could happen regardless of people pleasing or just being yourself, so why not do what YOU like? You might as well enjoy yourself...

You know these people aren't worth having in your life, you only do cause you want acceptance...but is acceptance worth it if you are walked all over or forced to give up who you are?

Disrespectful Roommates

Dear My Perspective,

Ugh, my roommates are horrible people!!! You see I live in the dorms on campus in a suite style setting. This means me and my 3 roommates each have a room of our own, and we share a bathroom. Well one of my roommates is extremely melodramatic and is also disrespectful. It has gotten to the point where I do not want the likes of her speaking to me period. We have already sought help as an entire room from the RA and the Reslife coordinator, but all they could do is make rules and essentially reiterate what I was saying about not speaking to my stupid roommate. Is there anything else I should do about this? I feel I should not have to move out just because I have hateful roommates.

Signed
Lone-Wolf

Dear Lone-Wolf,

I know that experience of bad roommates all too well myself. That is the disadvantage to living in dorms, you have to live with strangers that you otherwise would never have anything to do with in your entire life.

But you lucked out in one way, you have your own room even if you have to share the suite itself. Of course nothing beats 100% privacy, but what can you do? Well next year you could spring for the expensive single apartment if its offered on campus or just commute to school. But this year you are stuck living on campus. You have 7 months with these people. If these people look for fights or are just mean people in general, the best thing for you to do is to do what you are already doing, and thats kick them out of your life.

Only you know what people should be in your life at all and who shouldn't. There is no point in pretending or trying to get along with someone who pretty much refuses to get along with you. If you don't have to speak to each other there is absolutely no reason to speak to each other. Just do your own thing.

Will it get tough at times? Yes its not going to be easy especially if all your roommates are friends with each other. But you have to do whats best for YOU. Unless you are willing to do a room change, you are stuck with these people for 7 more months, its going to test your nerves big time.

Loneliness

Dear My Perspective,

Is there a difference (other than the obvious) between being alone yet being lonely and being lonely yet not alone? Mostly I am talking about feelings, and emotions.

Signed,
Inquirer

Dear Inquirer,

Besides the obvious, yes there is a difference. Being lonely is often hard to deal with. But being lonely with other people around is far more emotionally painful than being alone yet being lonely. Being lonely, isn't an act of being alone, its a mindset, an inside feeling. When you are an extroverted person, being home alone, can be boring, you are lonely, you want to go somewhere, do something, you thrive off of having people around you.

But if you are introverted, or more specifically, socially awkward (not all introverts are), what makes being lonely painful, is being in a room full of people.

Some feel, that being by yourself and being lonely is the worst, because you have no one to talk to and are completely isolated.

But why its worse being lonely in a group full of people, is because you ARE in a room with people, but you are ignored, and feel left out.

Its painful watching people enjoy themselves, while you are left out or uninvited. So you sit there just watching. This makes you feel worse, because you long to do what everyone else is doing, but you can't because you are not apart of their group and are not wanted.

At least when you are alone when you are lonely, you do not have to see other people enjoying themselves.

Not being alone, just makes you feel worse, because it reminds you of what you are not getting to enjoy.

Homesickness

Dear My Perspective,

I am soooooo homesick! I just started college, and everything that can go wrong has. I have gotten off to a bad start with some people, and found out some other bad news. I am just miserable. I have no one to talk to, and I can't call anyone (no cellphone, and I can't get the telephone hooked up til i can get the money). I keep crying on and off. I am just so miserable. I want to go home. I know i can't though. So how can I get over the homesickness?

Signed,
Homesick.

Dear Homesick,

College can be a pretty painful experience, in the beginning. You spend over a decade living your life one way, with certain people...and now you must uproot and put yourself into a new environment...and unknown one.

There are 4 types of homesicknesses.

1. Initial Homesickness
This type is brought on by the sheer fact that you are in a new environment. You are in an unfamiliar place, and you have yet to become accustomed to any of it, so you long for the familiarity.

2. Boredom Homesickness
In this one, your homesickness is the result of boredom. You have nothing to do, and so you have time to just let your mind wander free, and you find yourself thinking of things that make you sad.

3. Anger/Frustration Homesickness
This type is brought on by fights, arguments, frustration. When you argue with someone, sometimes you feel isolated, and it makes you long for the "simpler" times. These same kinds of fights you have in H.S. are different because you can't go home this time. Also frustration, from things such as work can upset you, especially if you have no one to vent to.

4. Random Homesickness
This type is the result of just any random thing causing you to be homesick. It can be brought on by just about anything, from words, to actions, to just anything....

Many people suggest that in order to fight homesickness, one should keep themselves busy. Their rationale is that, if you are busy, you won't be bored, therefore you won't be homesick. But there are 2 faults with this theory. One, boredom is not the only thing that causes homesickness, and two, its impossible to always be busy, at some point one has to deal with the emotions.

Its a good idea to realize now, that one will never stop being homesick, for as long as we live, we will sometimes think about what we once knew. People don't stop having homesickness, they merely adapt with it and learn to live with it.

Right now, since its new to you, let yourself be emotional, cry. When you get busier with school, you may find yourself getting a routine going. Routines can be helpful, organization can be helpful.

How quickly you adapt to homesickness, depends on how your life is going.

Alone?

Dear My Perspective,

Is it better to be alone, than to be "friends" with people, that bully you? It is hard making friends. I try to be me, and people walk all over me. Its also no fun being alone. Either way I feel miserable.

Signed
Loner

Dear Loner,

It is a good idea to learn how to be alone. It can in fact be fun being alone. Some people are Introverts, meaning they do not need people to have a good time. Then you have Extroverts, who need people to have a good time. Most people are extroverted. But being an extrovert can come with some problems. One of them is being alone. Extroverts often do not practice at being alone, so when they are forced into being alone, its hard to cope, because for so long, they always had others to help fulfill enjoyment.

In your case it seems like not only is it hard for you to be alone, but you also lack the people you need to at least have fun. In your case, you are better off alone. At least you can learn to enjoy being by yourself, but you can't force people who mistreat you to treat you right.

You can still search for new friends, but it also helps to have steady ground in being alone. Being afraid of being alone, will cause you to deplete any new friends you make of energy. Remember, not everyone wants to spend all free time with you.

Betrayal

Dear My Perspective,

My so called friends betrayed me. They told my deepest secrets, and now I am a laughing stock. The boy I had a crush on, now laughs at me and makes fun of me. My friends act like they did no wrong. They kind of have always treated me like dirt. I don't know what to do. Help?

Signed
Ousted

Dear Ousted,

There is a rule one should always follow: Never tell secrets you wouldn't want the whole world knowing. No matter how tempting it is to tell your deepest darkest secrets, you never know who you can trust, and the last thing you want is someone that you thought you can trust, betraying you.

The damage has been done. It sounds like these people are not your friends. It is best to drop them. Also, learn from this incident, be more restrictive in the secrets you tell.

Trust

Dear My Perspective,

My boyfriend cheated on me in the past. I took him back because I really cared for him, he is my first love. Except I have major trust issues, it annoys him. He tells me, that I should trust him. I tell them that its hard to when your trust is gone. Everyone says I should break up with him. He says, that if I can't learn to trust him, then our relationship is pointless. I don't know who is right, or what is right. Any advice?

Signed
Cheated in Love

Dear Cheated in Love,

Being cheated on is hard. Often, we as women take the men back, because we love the feeling of love, which is why often women are blamed more than the guy in an illicit affair, its because we don't want to give up the feeling of love, fake or real.

But trust is an issue. Trust is like a mirror. When a mirror is broken, one can put all the pieces back together....but the mirror never looks the same. You will always see the cracks and little smaller pieces stay missing. With trust, once its been broken, you can do whatever you can but the trust won't be like it was before it was broken.

Your boyfriend has a point. If you can't trust him, then you probably shouldn't be with him. You are hanging onto an idea of love, that just doesn't exist. In fact, more than likely that is why you took him back, most take the guy back because they love the idea of love, and not so much the person they are with.

Time Spent

Dear My Perspective,

How do I begin? Okay, so, this entire summer has been a bust for me. I will be heading back to school soon. But if its something I noticed, is that during the summer I tend to get more angrier. I find myself doing things that normally I try to avoid any other time of the year. But during the summer (and even during winter and spring break) I find myself doing the very things I don't want to do. I sometimes find myself missing schoolwork, that is until, I get back to school, and get back into that regular habit, then all of a sudden, I hate school work like everyone else. I don't get why I am like this. Any ideas?

Signed,
Summer Days

Dear Summer Days,

I think what your problem, is boredom. We suffer from boredom when we have too much time on our hands. Since not all schools have converted to the Year-round system, and still work on the traditional system, many students find themselves doing in the first few weeks of summer, what they have been longing to do for 9 months.

In an excitement to kick start their 2.5 month long break, they do everything in the first few weeks, which lead up to boredom even faster.

When we have time on our hands, we find we do things we normally wouldn't or don't want to do. Usually we are too busy with our normal life, to have time or any care for those things, such as going to certain websites or partaking in certain activities. But when you have more time on your hands for whatever reason, you find yourself doing things that you did not have time for before, and because of curiosity, its easy to get hooked on things you don't like.

As for schoolwork. Its not that you miss doing schoolwork, you just miss what you know. Boredom, can often feel like a standstill...a standstill is when nothing is going forward in your life...everything is in a sense has "halted" to a stop. You hate boredom, you hate having too much time on your hands, because having too much time on your hands, means you will do things that bring out anger in you.

Its hard to shake boredom, for starters, its important not to do a whole summer's worth in the first few weeks. But most importantly, its a good idea to keep yourself busy somehow. Figure out what you like to do, and see if there are ways you can do that even more than you do now. For example, if you like art, maybe take up some art classes or partake in some kind of intern or club activity.

The hardest part of doing things during the summer, is getting the will to willingly do something by choice.

Losing Weight

Dear My Perspective,

I NEED to lose weight. I am morbidly overweight. I am sick of the teasing, sick of the stares, sick of being too tired and out of shape. I bought a gym pass but i found that after one or two workouts, i couldn't stand it anymore. When it came to dieting, i found that it was just too complex. I want to, need to, lose weight, but its so hard that it makes me eat more!! What can I do?

Signed
Big

Dear Big,

When losing weight you are aiming to workout and eat right. By eating right, you want to limit your portions and learn portion control, you want to eat the right foods and leave the fatty unhealthy food more as a treat. We all know that we can enjoy our loves, its just a matter of how much of it you have. With exercising, you simply want to get in the habit of walking or jogging or simply burning off the calories and losing or maintaining your weight. You want to keep the laziness out of you as much as possible. But often losing weight can be very hard, the more weight you have, the more likely you are set in your bad habits.

But there are 2 secrets to weight loss that diet companies do not want to tell you. They are not simple secrets, but they are helpful and vital secrets.

Secret 1: Consistency. One of the main reasons, many people stop exercising is because they do not stay consistent in their workouts. Being consistent means, if you work out twice a week, you maintain working out twice a week until you are subconsciously working out twice a week every week. Working out whenever you want to, is what makes it harder to lose weight, putting yourself on a strict "I must go to the gym NOW" kind of schedule is helpful. You also want to be consistent about how much you workout and how long you workout and what you use to workout with. The concept of being consistent is that, by always doing the same thing, you eventually do it habitually. When it becomes a habit, you can then take on a little bit more (maybe go from 2 days to 3 days for example).

Secret 2: Taking Everything a Step at a Time. One of the biggest reasons dieting fails is because people take on too much too soon. If you are out of shape and are working out at the gym, trying a complete overhaul of the food you eat, at the same time, is likely to increase your chances of quitting. You want to take it all a step at a time. Its encouraged to start dieting first, because whats the point of working out, when you are still eating your usual way? Start off your dieting by slowly changing your foods. As suggested in Secret 1, you want to be consistent. Try your best not to fall back. Taking everything one at a time helps you from overloading yourself with too much stress from trying to lose weight.

Losing weight is not easy. Its even harder to do when you do not have a support system. Sometimes you have to give yourself ultimatums and goals to make up for lack of support. Do not let yourself waiver under the pressure and lack of support. Do what you know is in the best interest of yourself.

College

Dear My Perspective,

Ugh!!! I am stressing. I am leaving for college in a week or so. High school was a pretty tormenting experience. I was made fun. I didn't belong. I was a reject.

I am scared that college will be the same. What if my roommates are social types, and they quickly see that I am not? What if I do not make any friends? What if college is worse than high school? Please give me advice!!!!!!

Signed,
College Girl

Dear College Girl,

High school was bad. So naturally you want to do whatever you can not to repeat that. What may help, is to think about what could have made high school as bad as it was. This is where you admit your fault in it (along with other peoples faults). Figuring out what went wrong, will give you an idea of what not to do in college.

College is a great chance to start over, unlike high school. Almost no one knows you or anything about you. Sure there will be people you went to school with there, but there will be hundreds who didn't go to school with you also.

Maybe change your wardrobe (not necessarily now, but as you progress through school), maybe change your make up, maybe change your hairstyle (dye it, cut it, new style, etc).

Something new and different from what you were in high school is a great way to start college.

But the most important part of college life is to go into it, being firm about who you are. Don't compromise who you are, to make friends. Most people do not want to be friends with someone who acts like one person around one type of group, and then acts totally different with others, simply because they want acceptance.

Also, its important to go into college with the mindset that what happened in high school has happened. Learn from it, don't dwell on it. If people ask you about high school, say enough to suffice their question, do not go into your life story. Complaining about how horrible people were to you the previous year will only push people away.

Also, do not shy away from floor and dorm activities. Even if you go alone, you may have a chance at making friends. Usually your roommates are "safety friends" in the first few weeks of school. Not always though. But essentially safety friends are people you hang around until you start making your real friends.

Its also vital to stay open about the type of friends you want. The more picky you are, the harder it will be to find friends.

In the end, good luck with school!!

Not Black Enough

Dear My Perspective,

I love pop, rock, punk music. I like to shop at Hot Topic and Hollister Co. Many of my friends are white. I have black friends and biracial friends, but they are just like me. I get good grades in school, and take school serious. I also do not do Ebonics. Well anyways, a couple of "ghetto" acting black girls, told me that i wasn't black enough. I was called "white-washed" and "Uncle Tom" and "Oreo". Sometimes they threaten to beat me up. Saying things like, no matter how "white" I get, I will always be black.

I never denied being black. I am just me. My parents raised me in a home that did not play rap or hip hop. My parents are deadset against the gangsta culture. The black girls say I look down on them. It isn't because they are black. It is because they make a spectacle of themselves with how loud they get.

I like what I like. I don't get how I am not black enough. When I am black!! I don't know how to deal with these girls. What can I do?

Signed,
Oreo

Dear Oreo,

"Not black enough" is a gimmick that is often said by gangsta/ghetto behaving people. Often they lambast those who rise above further than them. They lambast them because not only do they rise above, but they, in their eyes, "adopt" the white way of life in order to get ahead. The problem with this is that, there is no way to being black. Black is a skintone. Black in America means living your life in a skintone that is highly regarded as horrible.

Hanging out with whites, liking music often done by white people, does not make you less black.

Its important to realize now that you can't please everyone in the world, and that you will have to just please yourself. Nothing you do or say will make those group of girls happy. If you give in, they will walk all over you, and you will be unhappy. If you stay the way you are, they will taunt you. All you can do, is enjoy the stuff that makes you happy.

Stand strong, and be who you are, if you show insecurity, then they will know what it takes to make you tick, and that only confirms what they want, and they will continue with their taunting.

so JUST BE HAPPY!!! They can't take who you are away, unless YOU let them!

Indie Bohemian

Dear My Perspective,

I like Indie style music. I like independent movies. I like abstract art. I like dancing. I like to write short stories. I only wear colorful watercolor tone skirts. I am a vegan. But recently I was accused of living the lifestyle cause it looked "cool". I was told that I was in it for the wrong reasons. That I had not really let the Boho world in. I have always been the type to do my own thing. How do I prove to this person that I am Indie Bohemian?

Signed,
Boho Chic

Dear Boho Chick,

If you know that you are Indie Boho, then what do you really have to prove to anyone? It is nerve wracking to have someone question your motives. If you know you are apart of that lifestyle, then continue as you are. Take no heed. Why prove to someone what you are, when they choose not to see it? The more you work to prove that you are what you say you are, the more you prove in their eyes, that you are not.

NO!!!

Dear My Perspective,

One of the most hardest things for me to do, is to say NO. I always feel that if I say no, its going to come back on me, somehow I will need that person later, and they will use it against me. People have no problem saying no to me, and I feel as if everyone takes advantage of me because I don't know how to say "no". What can I do?

Signed,
Yes-Girl

Dear Yes-Girl,

How easy it is to say "no" is a reflection of one's personality. If you are introverted, its even harder to say "no", mostly because you lack constant communication with someone, introverts often prefer to be alone, and if you are socially awkward or a misanthrope, its also tough to say no.

When you say "no" and it upsets people, it often shows that they were only around, to use you.

In order to learn how to say no, its important to start relying on yourself as much as possible. The last thing you want to deal with is someone using something over your head.

Its also important to become comfortable with yourself. Often those who have the tendency to say "yes" when they mean "no", are often vying to be accepted, and are scared of being alone. Its important to face that, and accept isolation is possible. Saying "no" weeds out the real friends and fake.

You must also become firm in your "no". People can sense uncertainty in your voice and use that to manipulate you into saying no.

Once people know you will stand no more, and become strong in your convictions, people will either accept you for it or will back off and leave.

You may feel thats bad, but what really is bad, is thinking certain people are your friend, when they really are not.

Love Stinks.

Dear My Perspective,

Love stinks! I am in my 20s, and I have NEVER been in a relationship. Every guy I have asked out, has said no. I am into guys that are sexy and even guys that are simply geeky. But even the geeky guys think they are too good for me. The only guys that give me attention are the sleazy type. One dude asked me out, after asking out all my friends who said no, he had a creepy nature to him. It hurts, deep down I know love probably won't happen for me. People keep telling me to have hope, but these same people don't understand my situation, for them, they have all been in love several times. I want to know how to deal with this pain....I just don't know what to do. Please help me.

Signed,
Loveless

Dear Loveless,

The most painful thing about love, is not having it. Society has turned love into something that one needs to complete their life. Only less than 100 years ago, marriage was only encouraged for financial reasons, not so much about love, in fact, some countries still have arranged marriages.

It can be painful and discouraging being told no, by every type of guy out there. But do not settle for someone you don't have feelings for.

Do not settle because you being alone is worse. You do not want to lead someone you don't care for on, and you don't want to settle for someone who is a sleazy jerk either.

Its best to just accept that you may end up alone. Find happiness in being by yourself. You will never be able to make the pain fully stop. All you can do is adapt with it. What makes being alone and not having love so much harder is seeing everyone all lovey dovey. Its impossible to avoid it. Become comfortable with yourself. Make a list of reasons, dating isn't as great as it appears.

Keeping yourself busy is not a great idea, its only a temporary solution, in the end, you will have to face those emotions and work on them. The hardest part isn't accepting the dark reality, the hardest part is having to live in it everday.

Biracial.

Dear My Perspective,

I Know you are a biracial so, I thought you could help me. I am not accepted by either blacks or whites. White people say that because I am half black, I do not belong, but to black people, I am too white to them. I get called slurs on both ends. I hate getting dirty looks. Whenever I say I am biracial to blacks, they look at me and accuse me of being embarrassed of being black. Sometimes it offends me when black people say we are all mixed, because that marginalizes what I have to go through personally. I just don't know what to do.

Signed,
Biracial Mess

Dear Biracial Mess,

It can be tough when neither side accepts you. At times one can't help but feel like they must overcompensate for being half and half. But you should always just stay who you are. If you are girly around white people, be girly around blacks. Its a good way to find out who is worth being in your life. When you are mixed and don't live in a diverse area, you can't help but feel isolated. It is important to learn how to find happiness without the need of people. If whites and blacks want to make fun of you for being biracial, that is their hang up. You can't change who you are. Don't allow yourself to show emotion to the harsh words and mistreatment. When you show your vulnerability its a sign to them that they have got you where they want you.

As for the "I am mixed when I am actually not" thing. I understand you there, it has always annoyed me when people say "we are all mixed". Tell them that there is a difference between being directly mixed and indirectly mixed. Directly means, that one parent is one race, the other is another race. Indirectly means, that generations ago, someone was race mixing. They are by far two very different things. By having 2 parents of a different race (whether in your life or not), you have to deal with emotions, mono-racial people will never have to face. There is also another fake mixing that people do, this one is done more by whites than blacks, and its where people name off all thei nationalities. Nationalities do not equate to race.

Police

Dear My Perspective,

With the ever growing racial profiling and mistreatment of blacks by police officers, how does one deal with this? Seeing incidents like what happened to Kathryn Johnston, Dymond Milburn, Virginia Dotson, Sean Bell, Oscar Grant, Omar Edwards, Henry Louis Gates, the police are starting to scare me. Many told me that the police do not serve and protect black people. So what do I do if I need them?

Signed,
Scared

Dear Scared,

No doubt that racial profiling exists, not just by police but by store owners/employees and regular people on the street. Blacks (and Mulattoes) are not seen as individuals, nor treated like individuals. It's best to know now, that blacks are not given the benefit of the doubt.

there are certain ways you must act, though I can't promise that it will ensure your safety.

1. speak only when spoken to.
2. stay calm, keep voice low.
3. when you have to move or grab something (such as your I.D.), make it a point, to tell them, that you are grabbing your I.D. out of your purse or wallet or pocket. do as they say.
   
4. try not to argue with them, if you are a minority, just disagreeing with them is considered "disturbing the peace" and "resisting arrest".

As for when you need the police. It is often known by most, when you don't need the police they are always around. But when you need them they are not there for you. It is important to not expect much of the police. But its still a good idea to file out a police report or call them when you need them. You never know, you may get the rare police officer that actually cares for his job.

One must realize, as a black person, male or female, light or dark, young or old, rich or poor, all blacks are one in the same in the eyes of non-blacks. None are treated like individuals.

The police are a powerful force, that are over-abusing their power and are getting away with it. There isn't anything that can be done about it. All you, the individual (yes you are an individual no matter what society says) can do in life, is do what you must do for yourself. Use discretion. Each situation is different. Just be as cautious as you can be.

Racism is always going to exist, so don't do things in hopes that whites will be impressed or will accept you, do things because that's what you want to do.

As for when you are accused of something you didn't do. All I can suggest is that you do your best to defend yourself. But try to maintain the steps mentioned earlier in the process.

Each situation is different, and these tips mentioned may not necessarily help you in whatever situation you are in. Since I have no specific situation to go with, these are simply general rules to at least think about.

Denying and Derailing.

Dear My Perspective,

I am a minority, I live in a town mostly white. I am surrounded by whites, and most of the people I talk to are white. The problem is, when I talk about racism, and what I have to deal with, they deny that racism exists, and say its all in my head. Sometimes some white people would try to turn the tables around and say I was racist for saying they or someone else was racist. I am starting to trust white people as a whole less, because they seem so blind by reality. It makes me miserable. I can't force them to see the truth...but they don't realize how much their denying racism hurts me. I get accused of playing the race card when I am not. I am simply talking of experiences I have had. Yet they continue to deny that racism exists. People are always spouting racial stereotypes as if its okay. Whenever I do anything, they say its because of my race. When someone of my race does something wrong, they treat me as if I did it too, when I didn't.

I dont know what to do. Can you give me any advice?

signed,
Stuck in the Racist Suburbs

Dear Stuck in the Racist Suburbs,

Often people play the "deny and derail" tactics, to try to stop you from talking of your experiences. When you talk about whites who are racist, they start to talk about blacks who are racist. That shows that they are either racist themselves, or they condone it. Someone who was living in the real world, would have no reason to change the topic, unless they shared the same feelings.

The world tries to teach that one should be colorblind. But being colorblind is useless if racism still exists. When you are a minority, you have to learn early on that equality does not exist, nor does a colorblind society. Racism is strong out there. Alot of people deny it, and find any excuse to discredit someone's experiences. But all you can do is keep bringing it up. When they try to derail, stop and say "We are talking about me, and my experiences, if you cant stay on the topic, then that is just telling me you condone racism."

What you must do, is research as many dodges there are that people use, to keep people from trying to derail the discussion.

You will have to learn in life, that you just cant naturally trust people. As a minority, you do not have the luxury of pretending racism doesn't exist.

Tell people that if you keep denying reality, you will only make things worse. Do not associate with people that tell you your experiences aren't real. They are not a good influence, and are only part of the problem.

Racism has become more closeted and subtle. Its hard to be a minority in America, especially since racism is still socially acceptable.

You can't force people to see reality, but you don't have to stop talking about your experiences. Just take note of who is racist or supports racism.

They Just Don't Listen

Dear My Perspective,

My friends have the tendency to ignore what I want. We are always doing what they want, any suggestions I make, they ignore. When I get upset about it, and try to confront them, they just shrug it off and say I complain too much. Sometimes they wont even invite me along on activities. When I ask why, they say "You would have just complained anyways". I don't know if I am the problem or not. I don't know what to do. Any advice?

Signed,
Ignored

Dear Ignored,

It is definitely no fun to go ignored by your friends all the time. It sounds like your friends, don't really see you as friends. You are trying to tell them how you feel and they still ignore you. They do not respect you enough to treat you as their equal. It is best to just find a new group. You must ask yourself, is it worth being around people that do not treat you right, just to have someone to talk to, or is it better to be alone, but at least not mistreated by people you thought were your friends? When someone does not even allow you to talk to them about the problem, there really is nothing more you can do about it. They are shutting you out. All you can do in the end is put up with it, or leave. In the end, you know what is best for you.

Acceptance

Dear My Perspective,

One of the hardest things in life is being accepted. Anything about you, can be and usually is, used against you. I often feel isolated. I want to be more happy, but nothing I do pleases people. I have changed things about myself all the time, but it only gets me dirty looks. I want to be accepted, but I'm not sure what to do. Any advice?

Signed,
Rejected

Dear Rejected,

The world tells us we need to belong to feel good about ourselves, which makes it hard for those that do not fit in the box. In order to be accepted, first you must ask yourself who it is you want accepting you. You must learn to love who you are. If people don't like who you are, changing yourself more than likely won't change anything. In fact, changing who you are, is often a sign of weakness. When you change yourself to get them to like you, they often see they can take advantage of you, as you are willing to do anything to be accepted. In the end, you end up miserable because you are not staying true to you, and you still end up not being accepted by a group.

Most people want to be apart of that most envied popular group. They want to be apart of that elite group. Its a natural feeling, we all want it. But a popular group is only as popular as you are willing to make it out to be.

Become okay with yourself. People want to know who you are and what you are. Its hard to accept someone they feel is not legit.

Hello, One and All!!

I have always loved giving people advice on things, whether they take it or not is a different question, lol. I just like to give people something to consider in their situation. Come to me with your life problems and I will try my best to give you something to ponder in your situation.

I have decided to create an advice column here at Blogger. I will be putting up a few posts today, of some advice I already have via an old place I used to use.