Why is saying no so hard to do?

Dear My Perspective,

I can never say no. I want to but I can't. It sucks because people know they can walk all over me because I won't say anything back. Others have no problem saying no to me. So whats going on here???

Signed,
Yes Woman

Dear Yes Woman,

There are two reasons that often keep some people from being able to say no.

1. They depend on others alot.
2. They have few to none friends and fear losing any bit of socialness they may have.

The first one is most common. When you depend on others for things such as rides, money, food, help on stuff, etc alot, these people will often try to exert control over you. If you are someone who needs that help from them or the other option which would grant you a little more independence is too painful, expensive, trying, or tough, then you will often find yourself being threatened to do as they say because they have control over you.

The key to dependence is NOT to depend too much on one person or persons. Sometimes the dreadful despised route can help you, because it shows that you are not scared to go that route if you have to. When you primarily depend on someone or someones, then they will start to take control over you.

The second reason, which is common but not nearly as much as the "dependency" one, is the social problem. Some people, especially those with poor social skills, will often say yes when they mean no because they want and vie for acceptance. They feel that by saying no they will hate them. And in some cases this is true, especially once that person knows your a pushover. These people care more about being accepted in general than they care about who they want in their lives.

Why? Because being alone can be unbearable sometimes. And for some its so bad that being accepted by anyone for any reason is better, this puts them into a state that makes it hard to say "no", because they feel if they always say yes and do what they want, they will get an in. The only problem is this idea does not work.

Essentially the only way to combat this problem is to accept who you are and become grounded in that. If a person threaten's their friendship with you, cut the ties loose, they are not worth having around. Also if you find yourself depending on others, it may be a good idea to sometimes depend on yourself, the more you depend on others the more power they will have over you. You don't want to get hooked on what was supposed to be a one time generous offer.